


a most undesirable sentiment

by ACatWhoWrites



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Beach Holidays, Boyfriends, Community: chenpionships, Flashbacks, Kim Jong Bros, M/M, Minor Character Death, Near Death Experiences, Non-Linear Narrative, Summer Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 12:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15752094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ACatWhoWrites/pseuds/ACatWhoWrites
Summary: On the 5th anniversary of their friend's death, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, and Jongdae return to the scene of a tragic accident.





	a most undesirable sentiment

**Author's Note:**

> prompt no.155

Jongdae digs his feet into the sand, delighted at the warm grains running between his toes. Jongin's run on ahead, Chanyeol loudly on his heels. Over his shoulder, Jongdae spots Kyungsoo at the edge of the grass, looking anxious in his hooded sweatshirt with his towel around his neck.

“Soo,” Jongdae calls. “What's up?”

Kyungsoo chews his lip, frowning at the sand. “I forgot sunscreen...” It's such a meaningless thing to fret over, but Kyungsoo's gotten more careful since they were kids.

“Just use mine. C'mon.” Jongdae holds out a hand, obnoxiously opening and closing his fist until his friend finally crosses the sand and takes it. Kyungsoo snorts but smiles when Chanyeol trips over himself and face-plants into the sand. He shakes his hair like a dog and excitedly points out a crab scuttling towards the relative safety of a large piece of driftwood.

“He is going to seriously hurt himself one of these days.”

Jongin runs to them from observing Chanyeol trying to coax the crab from its hiding place. He's already tossed his towel and T-shirt aside. “Let's go swimming!” he whoops, hooking them both around their necks by his elbows. Kyungsoo lets go of Jongdae's hand to pinch Jongin's side—not hard, contrary to the boy's pained wheeze.

“Hey!” Jongdae cries, spinning around to dislodge Jongin's arm from Kyungsoo's neck and pull him to safety. “Only I can abuse my brother!” Jongin giggles with dizziness and trips over his feet, nearly bringing them both down.

Chanyeol's given up on his crab hunt for the time being, declaring they should go clamming.

Their trip is only a few days long. Years ago, their vacation would last a week and a half, and while their parents spent time at the spas and casinos, the boys would spend as much time on the beach and cliffs as possible and hit some touristy museums, the park, and the waterfall. College breaks don't seem to last as long, essays and projects demanding time outside of the classroom.

Jongin challenges Chanyeol to a race to the ocean as he's already running into the water. Chanyeol's longer legs help him catch up, and he tackles Jongin into an oncoming wave. 

Kyungsoo and Jongdae walk slower, finding a spot of soft sand with few shells to spread out a large blanket. Jongdae drops to his knees right away, rummaging around the tote he'd packed for sunscreen. Kyungsoo sits on his folded towel with his backpack on his lap. 

It's not very hot; there aren't as many others on the beach as usual for the season. His sweatshirt is out of place, though, and he reluctantly pulls it over his head. He'd honestly rather be indoors, but his friends don't like being by themselves.

Jongdae finishes rubbing sunscreen into his arms and shoulders and passes it to Kyungsoo. There are smears of white over his cheeks that he's missed, and Kyungsoo wordlessly rubs them in.

“Thanks.”

Kyungsoo holds a dollop of sunscreen in his hand. “Do you want me to...?”

“Um...” Jongdae looks over his shoulder, as if the answer was written on his back. One year, they both burned really bad after falling asleep outside. It had been cloudy; they didn't think about burning at all. Kyungsoo had been on his stomach with his head turned, so his face had looked two-toned for most of the summer while Jongdae sported an intense farmer's tan. “Yeah, probably should.” He shifts to face away from him. “I'll do you, then.”

Chanyeol runs up the beach with a shirtful of water, ready to drench the others, but he trips over himself when he hears Jongdae's remark without context. The water falls over his legs and feet, and the wet sand is easier to run away on when Kyungsoo threateningly moves to stand and chase him. Jongin laughs at them and screams as a clump of seaweed passes by on a wave. He finds shelter on a tall rock until Chanyeol wades out to him, climbing onto his shoulders like he's five-years-old again.

“This is nice,” Kyungsoo says. His hands are cool with the sunscreen against Jongdae's shoulder blades. “I wish we could do this more often.”

“I was kinda thinking we should do this ourselves sometime. Just you and me.”

“Wouldn't that break Chanyeol's heart? You know he hates being left out.”

“He's got Jongin, now. Honestly, I think they'd get together given the chance. Jongin's just too shy to make the first move.”

“Is everyone gay in your eyes?” Kyungsoo's ears turn pink when he reaches Jongdae's waist. Maybe if they weren't in public, he'd hug him.

Jongdae laughs. “In an ideal world.” He looks over his shoulder, smiling kindly as though reading Kyungsoo's thoughts. “You done?”

“Yeah.” Jongdae scoots around and fills his palm with sunscreen, rubbing either hand together and taking Kyungsoo's right arm. “I can do my arms myself, you know.”

“I know, but I'm already doing it.” He looks over his shoulder while he works, spotting Jongin trying to keep Chanyeol from falling over with the waves as he attempts handstands. “Should we call them over before they burn?”

“Jongin, yes. Let Chanyeol suffer.”

Jongdae cackles. “Oh, that's mean.”

They sit quietly, comfortable not talking and just listening to the ocean and Chanyeol and Jongin yelling at one another and laughing. Kyungsoo seems mesmerized watching Jongdae's hands, but he finally breaks his silence.

“Is everything alright? You've been acting strange.”

“Have I?”

“Since we planned this trip. You and Baekhyun were close—we all were, but you two especially...”

“I always thought he and Chanyeol were nearly twins, honestly.”

Kyungsoo shrugs a shoulder and shakes his head. “It was different. I don't really get it, but _you know you can tell me if something's bothering you._ This isn't an easy trip; it's been a long time since we were here.”

“It's nothing.” Jongdae smiles. “I promise, Soo. It's nothing important. I appreciate the concern, though. Nice to know I'm loved.”

Not letting Kyungsoo remark on his comment or obvious avoidance, Jongdae cups a hand beside his mouth and hollers his brother's name. Like a puppy, Jongin stops moving and looks right at Jongdae, immediately running out of the water when waved at. No one else responds so quickly and with such innocent devotion; Jongin is easily Jongdae's favorite brother. “Hi.” Jongdae smiles up at Jongin.

“What's up?” Chanyeol's pushed over by a particularly aggressive wave and is dragged with it towards shore.

“C'mere.” Jongdae pats the towel beside him, and Jongin obediently kneels. He flinches and closes his eyes when Jongdae starts smearing sunscreen across his cheeks.

“ _Hyung!_ ”

“I don't want to hear you complain about sunburn, and I want to be able to tell Mom—with witnesses to back me up—that you were prepared.”

“Fine, but—” He catches Jongdae's wrist with a pout and flushed cheeks. “ _I can do it myself,_ ” he mutters, as though sitting two feet away will make Kyungsoo less likely to hear him. It's the same tone he's used pretty much since he could talk, rejecting coddling and denying an enjoyment of the perks that come with being the youngest when among friends.

Chanyeol, thoroughly soaked and already looking a little bit pink on the bridge of his nose and tips of his ears, approaches their little group and drops onto the bare sand. “What's this, a family meeting without me?” He watches Jongdae finish working suncreen into Jongin's right arm and start on his left but doesn't comment. “Who wants to race me to the rock?”

There's a bundle of large boulders sitting in the middle of open water, nearly at the first buoy marker. Beyond the buoy, there are powerful riptides, so it's their boundary marker and a fun place to jump off of.

Jongin starts to stand but looks at Jongdae. With a stinging slap on the shoulder, Jongdae gives his blessing. “Go for it! I want to go check out the waterfall.”

“I'll go with you,” Kyungsoo says. “Try to keep an eye on our stuff, okay?”

Chanyeol salutes and declares their race is starting as he bolts for the water. Jongin shouts and races after him, kicking up sand and closing the distance.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo brush sand off their legs and pull their sandals back on. The beach is very clean, but there are sharper rocks and gravel away from the beach, as well as nettles and thorny plants. A weathered sign points the direction of and distance to the waterfall and its pools.

Years ago, when they'd all come with their parents for vacation, they'd walk the same path to play at the waterfall. Chanyeol and Baekhyun would lead the way, followed by Jongdae and Kyungsoo. Baekhyun had found a turtle, once, and wanted to keep it, but he'd dropped it into one of the pools and lost it, spending ten minutes reciting an impromptu eulogy on the spot. His heartbreak was always short-lived, and he ran after Chanyeol when he announced he'd found a pair of geckos nearby.

The waterfall is as majestic as they remember. The rocks are greener with slippery moss, but nothing else has changed. Some birds float on the surface of the base pool, dunking their beaks for fish.

“I can't believe it's been five years,” Kyungsoo marvels.

"Yeah.." Jongdae toes off his sandals and climbs some rocks, taking in a wider view from the higher vantage point. It's a gorgeous area kept meticulously clean of trash and evidence of people, although there are chalky white scratches on the rocks, initials and crude drawings made by scraping at the surface with smaller stones.

“Be careful,” Kyungsoo says. He raises a hand as if to pull Jongdae back or catch him. “Remember what the uncle at the hotel said—a lot of accidents have happened here.”

“He didn't say it was _here_.” Jongdae waves a hand dismissively. “He probably meant the cliffs. It's fine,” he assures. “It's not wet up here, anyway, so there's nothing to worry about—” For the briefest instant, he sees clouds gathering overhead and feels his stomach plummet, then he's falling and breaking through the steady surface of the water. His head strikes something hard. He's disoriented and woozy. It's not a very deep pool, but he can't find the bottom to push himself towards the surface.

Water surges into his mouth, and Jongdae thinks he's dying.

It must be how Baekhyun felt, as he drowned.

 

Five years ago, Jongdae, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, and Baekhyun are on vacation with their parents. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo went back to their hotel room for bandages after Kyungsoo caught his foot on dried seaweed and cut the tops of his toes. 

Jongdae's on his back drying off in the sun. It's cool, and he opens his eyes in a squint. Water from Baekhyun's hair drips onto his face, and he tastes the salt when Baekhyun leans in and kisses him.

“What was that for?” 

Baekhyun freezes, face pink. He sits on his ankles, staring at Jongdae's stomach. “Uh... I just—” It's a rare day when Byun Baekhyun is speechless. Talking is his therapy and vocation and _thing_ ; he's always noisy, and when he's not, it's just weird. Anxiety and Baekhyun aren't a logical mix.

“Baek—”

“ _Ireallylikeyou._ ” Baekhyun blushes harder. “Dae, I really like you...a lot.” Jongdae gets to his feet. Baekhyun stands as well and grabs his wrist.

“You can't, Baekhyun.” He stares at the swell of water between the rocks. “I'm dating Kyungsoo.”

“Are you?” Baekhyun's hand squeezes a little, nervous. “You guys aren't even out.”

“We don't have to be.” They're fine being each other's secrets. Outside approval doesn't change their feelings for each other, which they don't even fully understand, themselves. It could make things worse, actually.

Baekhyun is many things, namely persistent. He's pushy. When he wants something, he'll get it, by hook or by crook. “You know how he is, do you really think he'll _ever_ be open about it?” Kyungsoo is reserved, but there are moments among friends that he'll express sharp wit and show off a wide smile. Jongdae knows him better than anyone.

“ _No_ , Baekhyun. You.... _can't_ just—Just take a hint and _leave me alone_!” He pushes Baekhyun's shoulders, shoving him off balance. He windmills his arms but can't catch himself and plummets off the rock.

Jongdae's heart is in his throat. He's not like Baekhyun, acting first and thinking later of the consequences. They're too great. He still needs his family. And he wants to be with Kyungsoo; he can't hurt him or their chances at a future together.

He jumps into the water after Baekhyun, who's just gotten woozily to his feet. His head is bleeding, and Jongdae puts an arm across his shoulders and pushes him underwater. Baekhyun can swim, but he can't hold his breath for as long as the rest of their friends; he panics too fast. Jongdae holds him down until he stops moving, then counts to one hundred. When his body sinks, Jongdae climbs out of the water and grabs his things.

 

Something heavy crosses Jongdae's chest, keeping him underwater, and he struggles against it.

He gasps and coughs air, not water, and is laid on his side.

For a while, all he can taste and smell is water. His head throbs; he can't tell if he's bleeding with how wet he is.

Finally, he rolls onto his back, and his face is cool. Kyungsoo leans over him, thick eyebrows drawn together. Water drops off his chin and nose; he wipes them away and touches Jongdae's face, leaning down to kiss him.

Jongdae sputters a short laugh. “What was that for?”

“ _For scaring me_ , you jerk.” He sits on his heels, and Jongdae notices he's shirtless. He must have taken it off before going after Jongdae, and he balls it up to place beneath Jongdae's head. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I'm sorry, Soo...”

“Hey... _Accidents happen._ ” He pushes Jongdae's hair off his forehead. There's a sizable bump growing on his temple that will probably color magnificently. “I'm just glad you're okay.”

Jongdae manages a smile. “Me, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> “Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.” ― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World


End file.
